It all started innocently enough. On New Year’s Eve last year, I made the fatal decision to embrace the “woke” New Year’s resolution to observe as many single commemorative days this year. The idea was simple: celebrate diversity, inclusivity, and all the other buzzwords that have been hammered into us. Little did I know, I was about to enter a whirlwind of special days, weeks, and months that seemed designed to test the limits of human tolerance — and sanity.
January: Where it all Began
I kicked off the year with Play Outside Day—simple enough, right? But by the 9th, I struggled with the No Pants Subway Ride. Living in a regional community, I could only imagine those feeling the sting of a chilly New York breeze.
Things escalated on the 20th within Penguin Awareness Day—sure, I can be aware of penguins while googling pictures of them from my couch. But then, the 26th arrived with Survival/Invasion Day. This was no longer about penguins; it was now about how to publicly denounce Australia Day without getting banned from my local pub.
February: Things Get Awkward
By mid-February, things were getting uncomfortable. National Apology Day and World Radio Day were back-to-back but apologising to people while listening to FM static just felt odd. The highlight was World Day of Social Justice, where I posted on social media, “Am I doing this right?” only to be met with a flurry of angry replies.
March: The Gender and Equality Marathon
March was a beast. It started innocently with Zero Discrimination Day and World Wildlife Day, but by the 8th, I was knee-deep in International Women’s Day. On the 17th, it was Close the Gap Day—but by now, the only gap I cared about was the one between me and my sanity. The same week had Harmony Day, Transgender Day of Visibility, and International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination. At this point, I was running on diversity fumes. Every day was a new opportunity to “check my privilege” and hashtag it.
April: The Birth of Irony
April ushered in International Masturbation Month. I mean, seriously? A whole month dedicated to self-gratification. If I wasn’t exhausted by the sheer volume of causes, now I had to find ways to appropriately celebrate…myself? Balancing this alongside Youth Homelessness Matters Day and World Book Day, the whole thing just felt… sticky. I’m pretty sure the irony police were about to knock on my door.
May: Exhaustion Sets In
International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia, Interphobia & Biphobia arrived on the 17th, and I could barely keep track of the acronyms anymore. I had already blown through Lesbian Visibility Day and Family Pride Equality Day by this point, how many visibility days could one person handle? And why weren’t straight, cisgender men getting a break? Oh wait, International Men’s Day in November! But that felt like miles away.
June: Rainbow Overload
June brought Pride Month, the pinnacle of identity politics. I threw myself into the festivities — attending every parade, draping myself in rainbows, and updating my social media with heart emojis in every possible colour.
By the 8th, World Oceans Day had me contemplating the ocean’s lack of representation in the parade lineup. But then came World Gin Day on the 11th, a welcome relief. I thought, “Finally, a day where I can celebrate something I truly believe in—gin!”
It was the one time during Pride Month that I could raise a glass, not a flag, and toast to something we can all agree on: gin doesn’t care about your pronouns. After a few G&Ts, the rest of June’s causes started to blur. I’m pretty sure by International Yoga Day, I was doing downward dogs with a martini in hand.
Who knew gin could make diversity so much easier to swallow?
July: A Sugary Respite and Some Mandela Wisdom
July kicked off with World Chocolate Day on the 7th—a sweet reprieve from the year’s social justice marathon. For once, I was celebrating something everyone could get behind. But soon after, International Non-Binary People’s Day on the 14th pulled me back into the rainbow vortex. If chocolate was supposed to be non-binary, then why were there only milk and dark options? By the 18th, I was celebrating Nelson Mandela International Day, trying to channel his wisdom—though at this point, I was wondering what Mandela would have thought about chocolate equity.
August: From Lamingtons to Safe Spaces
August brought National Lamington Day on the 21st—a brief, glorious moment where I could focus on dessert rather than pronouns. But that was short-lived. Wear It Purple Day came along to remind us all to create safe spaces for LGBTQ+ youth. After months of trying to keep up with every visibility and equality day, I considered wearing purple not just for solidarity, but as a subtle plea for help. Maybe someone would notice that I needed a safe space from all these celebratory obligations.
September: Pirates and Bi-Visibility
September seemed like it would offer a bit of levity with International Speak Like a Pirate Day on the 19th. Finally, a day where I could talk like a pirate without anyone correcting my “matey” to something more inclusive.
For a brief moment, it was all “Arrr!” and “Ahoy!” and no one cared about my pronouns. But the fun was short-lived when Bi-Visibility Day came sailing in on the 23rd. Suddenly, I was back to waving another flag, this time for bisexual visibility.
The problem was, after months of waving flags, I was beginning to think maybe Visibility Day needed its own visibility campaign. By now, I was so well-versed in being visible for every identity group that I was practically transparent.
It was exhausting keeping up. Couldn’t the pirates and bisexuals have shared the day? After all, both groups seem pretty fluid about where they land!
October: Mental Health and Pronouns
Again, October was Mental Health Month, which was fitting because I was starting to lose mine. After nearly a year of celebrating everything from penguins to purple T-shirts, I welcomed World Mental Health Day with open arms. But the respite didn’t last long. By International Pronouns Day, I was back to explaining which pronouns I preferred — though after so much introspection, I wasn’t sure I even knew anymore. Thank God for Global Champagne Day to finish the month where I had a chance to overindulge and take a nap.
November: Finally, a Nod to Men
By the time International Men’s Day hit, I was so relieved that I nearly wept. But any sense of celebration was quickly dampened by the fact that the same day was also World Toilet Day. Nothing quite like having your one special day overshadowed by flushing toilets and discussions about public restroom access.
December: Month of Madness
As I rounded out the year with Safe Toys & Gifts Month and the Month of Giving, I felt like I had given enough of myself. I had celebrated everything from dinosaurs to freedom of speech, and I could barely remember who I was supposed to support anymore. But then, in a final twist, National Tie Month arrived — an opportunity to celebrate neckwear, of all things. At that point, I considered tying one around my head and retreating from society altogether.
By New Year’s Eve, I had one resolution: no more resolutions. Woke culture, identity politics, and the endless parade of commemorative days had nearly driven me mad. After all, how many ways can you really celebrate the beauty of non-binary identities, extinct species, and masturbation in one year?
All I know is this—next year, I’ll stick to the classics: Eat a Red Apple Day, National Lamington Day and World Chocolate Day. At least with those, I get to eat something.
Hello Robert, I had no idea you had such a desire for self flagellation. I mean the mental flagellation you subjected yourself to, not the April one.